The loooong Muggle survey by Lord Voldemort
by Lorielen
Summary: the title's pretty self-explanatory. Would anything I said make you read this? Hmm. Figured.


Title: The Looong Muggle Survey by Lord Voldemort  
Rating: PG  
Category: Parody  
Summary: the title's pretty self-explanatory. Would anything I said make you read this? Hmm. Figured.   
Disclaimer: sadly, I don't owe them. They're JKR's to do as she pleases... maybe she'd let me borrow Draco sometime? *hopeful* 

_AN: I'm suffering from a serious case of Writer's block and if something like this doesn't get me inspired, nothing else will. Besides, my Voldie muse is just so composed that I can't pass the chance to annoy him... *grins*_

_I didn't come up with this all by myself. I stopped by Tizzy and Kat's page and saw their 'long survey'; then I went check my e-mail and a friend had sent me one too. I just couldn't resist it. I mixed both, and voilà!_

The loooong Muggle survey

Lord Voldemort sat all-mighty-ly on his throne, chin supported on his hand, resembling strongly that famous statue of the Man Thinking. Only that he looked a little more than annoyed.

In front of him laid a neat roll of parchment, 4 inches thick. He shot it one dreadful look. Its content made the Dark Lord wish to whimper. It was no more and no less than a Terribly Loooong Muggle Survey, that had been owled to him the day before by Witch Weekly.

"You are the world's new fever, My Lord," Lucius Malfoy had told him, "people want to know about you. You fascinate them. They crave every tiny detail of yours. Besides," the Second in Command had added, arching one eyebrow, "some popularity would do you good. If instead of trembling at the sound of your name crowds would shout it in delight, you'd have the world!"

And, as much as Voldemort hated to admit it, Lucius was right most of the time. 

_Except about the damned blue contacts. Crimson red suits me. Blood is terrifying. And arousing. Thus, me._

His blood-red eyes darted to the roll of parchment again. He had been doing that for approximately forty minutes now, seating on his throne, leering at the thing as if at any minute it would come to life, bind him and strangle him. Lord Voldemort had always been very visual, and owned a particularly powerful imagination. 

He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear in exasperation. Being Dark Lord wasn't all about fun and people-slaughtering and towering impressively over all. Nope. It included going to tiresome meetings with people he didn't want to see but that would make useful allies, making life-and-death decisions constantly, hear everybody's faked laughter when he made an attempt at cracking a joke. 

Voldemort knew himself to be possibly the worst joke-teller in the whole of Britain, and was annoyed when he saw the people around him laugh to no end. Suck-ups. How he hated them. 

Talking about unpleasant things, the damned Survey was still waiting. He snapped his fingers, summoning the roll, and conjured up a quill. Opening the parchment, he saw it fall to the floor and continue to unroll as far as the eye could see. 

_Bugger._

He sighed and took his quill, suddenly feeling like Santa Claus for some unknown reason. The throne and the long list did bear a certain resemblance, but... the mere thought of himself in a Santa hat made him scowl. Now he was just in the vilest of moods. 

Might as well do the damned thing.

1.What's your name? _I-Must-Not-Be-Named, remember?_  
2. Nickname? _I don't allow anyone such intimacy. Call me Lord if you wish to make it short._  
3. Middle name? _Marvolo__.__ Don't snicker._  
4. Any siblings? _No. I'm the only Heir of Slytherin._  
5. How old are you? _Older than I look, I assure you. Although I prefer the term "experienced"  
6._ When is your birthday? _February 13th _  
7. What's your starsign? _Aquarius, ahead of my time, up and ready to change the world. And own it too. _  
8. Skin colour? _You mean my new body or the old one? Well, I've never been anything but pale, although my old self could have a slight blush in the cheeks in the morning. Hmm. Will have to see to that. _  
9. Hair colour? _Dark brown.__ Frames my pale complexion and brings out my eyes._  
10. Eye colour? _Now it's crimson red, which is fine by me. But they were green before, and that was nice too. However, if given the choice I'd stick with red. Originality is in me._  
11. What's your favourite colour? _Depends.__ Normally it's red. For clothing I'd say black. What, expecting Green&Silver? Please. _  
12. Food? _For someone who spent over a year drinking cobra's milk, anything is fine. But I'm particularly fond of cheese foundis. *won't mention cookies*_  
13. Room in the house? _Torture room.__ What? Every house needs one. And a rack. Can't do without a rack._  
14. Any special talents? _All that take to conquer the world. Ah, and I'm a Parselmouth. Guess that's special. _  
15. What do you want to be when you grow up? _I *am* a grown up. _  
16. Your biggest dream is? _World domination.__ Muggle extermination would be nice too, but I've outgrown that phase. They're like worms. They're here and they have a purpose, whatever may it be. Which doesn't stop us from crushing them whenever we come across them._  
17. Preferred music style? _I like classical music best. Anything with a violin. And the Beatles. I love "Eleanor Rigby"_  
18. What do you do in your spare time? _I don't have any. Taking over the world is a rush business. _  
19. What would you rather do in your spare time? _Sleep. Insomnia can have you looking like crap._  
20. What's your best treat? _I am persuasive. Very persuasive. *pauses* You adore me don't you?_  
21. And your worst one? _Haven't I got enough bad publicity as it is? No need to stain my image any more. _  
22. Any strange habits? _I don't have the time to cultivate those._  
23. Would you say you're shy? _No._  
24. Do you follow all the rules, or are you a rule breaker? _Can you remember who is this you're asking questions to? The Omnipotent Dark Lord? I make rules for other people to follow. _  
25. What was your first word? _I don't know. I never met my parents. *offended*_  
26. How do you act when you're around someone you have a crush on? _*rolls eyes* I'm Lord Voldemort. I don't have crushes. I take what I want when I want it and the way I want it. Which usually hurts. _  
27. Do you have a crush on someone at the moment? _See answer above. _  
28. Describe yourself using one word: _Lord. _  
29. Make up a story with yourself: _There was this Heir of Slytherin, bored out of his skull over a certain Muggle Survey. A dragon came into the throne room, sneezed and reduced the roll of parchment to ashes, freeing the Dark Lord who mounted the dragon, rode to the magazine's central and repeatedly cursed everyone inside until he had had his revenge._   
30. If you got a tattoo, where would you get it, and what would it be? _Does the Dark Mark count? I don't think I need any more symbols on me. _  
31. If we had proof God didn't exist, what would happen? _Do we have proof that he does exist in the first place? _  
32. Can you do a cartwheel? _Yes. And Avada Kedavra you at the same time. Isn't that awesome?_  
33. What are your thoughts on homosexuality? _I much prefer to act on it *grins*_  
34. Virginity? _It's a lost concept these days. I don't really miss it, though... _

Quick, what would you do if...? 

35. I punched you? _You wouldn't dare *scowls menacingly*_  
36. There was a naked man in your living room? _Oh I get to see plenty of strange things. Nothing can surprise me anymore. I'd just ask him who let him in without my express permission and excuse myself to retaliate the one to blame. _  
37. You were on a nude beach? _Summon Lucius Malfoy_  
38. You were on a desert island? _Sleep. *rolls eyes* Why on earth would I set foot on a desert island? Besides, if I'm on it then it isn't desert anymore, right?_

Do you... 

39. Believe in God? _I believe in power._  
40. Smoke? _No. Don't fancy stinking and getting my teeth and skin yellowish, thank you. _  
41. Snore? _I seldom sleep, let alone around others. I've no way to know. _  
42. Drool in your sleep? _No. This is one stupid, pointless question. _  
43. Sleep with socks on? _I don't sleep with anything on. Wait. When it's cold, I've got these satin pyjamas. _  
44. Talk to yourself? _Sometimes I think out loud. _  
45. Enjoy being naked? _Yeah. Wish I could walk around my headquarters with nothing on. *rolls eyes* honestly. When I get naked it's for a reason. A worthy reason. _  
46. Keep a journal? _Well, I kept a diary... but everyone knows what happened to that one. _  
47. Play any musical instruments? _That is one thing I lack. I wished I had the time to learn. _  
48. Like to dance? _I love dancing. I like to tango, but it's hard to find a partner. _  
49. Talk on the phone a lot? _I don't own a telephone. Even if I did, I'm not the talkative type. _  
50. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? _No. But I'm not looking for one, either. _  
51. A best friend? _I wouldn't call him that, but yes. And no, I'm not saying a name here. _  
52. Kiss on your first date? _I don't date. _  
53. Have a crush on someone? _I think we've gone through this. _  
54. Eat with your mouth open? _You can't suck blood with your mouth open. *snickers* Joking. Never. I am a gentleman. Top hat and all. *grins*_

Are you... 

55. A virgin? _Are you?_  
56. Left or right handed? _Ambidextrous, although I lean more towards my right hand._  
57. A morning person? _No. You see, there's this thing with my eyes. To be blunt, I can't see anything with a light too strong. So I prefer the night._  
58. Organised? _Depends.__ I force everyone to be. But my closet is a mess. _  
59. Superstitious? _Not particularly_  
60. Tired? _Of this?__ Yes! Is it about to end anytime soon?_  
61. Lonely? _*fumbles with his quill.__ Will never admit it.*_  
62. Happy? _Happiness is made of small moments. I try to gather up an impressive quantity of them. Muggle slaughtering can provide to that._  
63. Talking to someone online? _On line?__ How can you talk to a person on line? _

Have you ever... 

64. Been kissed? _Many times.__ Especially my feet. People can degrade themselves in a most amusing way when their lives are in danger._  
65. Done drugs? _Losing control won't do. I've got a world to run._  
66.Eaten an entire box of Oreos? _I choose to skip that one. Dare you to make me do it. _  
67. Been on stage? _Not acting but giving speeches. I look good on stage. And my voice booms in a nice way. Admit it. You adore me. _  
68. Dumped someone else? _Yessssssss__.__ At school. I didn't really got into relationships after Hogwarts. _  
69. Been dumped by someone? _Not that I would tell YOU_  
70. Been in a car accident? _No. Never felt tempted to set foot in a car._  
71. Been in love? _I am in love. I love people. I want to learn about them. To own them. _

Within the last 24 hours, have you... 

72. Helped someone? _Of course.__ Lord Voldemort is world famous for his charity services. *rolls eyes*   
73._ Bought something? _I was on __Scotland__ yesterday, inspectioning one of my bases there. There was this lovely scarf. _  
74. Gotten sick? _I suffer from lousy migraines whenever I get too stressed. Thankfully, it's been some time since the last one. _  
75. Gone to the movies? _As if I had the time. Or patience. Or company. _  
76. Gone out for dinner? _As I told you before, I was travelling. _  
77. Said "I love you"? _I don't think I've ever said that._  
78. Written a real letter? _Issuing orders all over __Eastern Europe__.__ The knuckles of my hands still hurt. And here I am. *shakes head*   
79._ Cried? _Lord Voldemort does not cry. _  
80. Talked to an ex? _I don't have ex-es. _  
81. Missed an ex? _See answer above. _  
82. Talked to an old friend? _Yes. On that trip I told you about I came across an old, vampiric friend of mine. _  
83. Had a fight with someone? _I don't have fights. The pain is pretty much one-sided whenever someone disagrees with me_  
84. Had a serious talk? _No. _  
85. Missed someone? _Hmmm...__ no. _  
86. Hugged someone? _That friend of mine._

87. What time is it? _Sometime early in the morning.__ I didn't sleep tonight. You're to blame. If I ever find out who you are, I'll make sure your demise is painful. _

--- 

_I'm not feeling inspired... well actually I'm feeling tired... and my Voldie muse has his arms crossed over his chest, and his back at me. So easily offended, he is. *sighs* _


End file.
